


The Reacher and The Settler

by ThatFilmGraduate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Romance, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Men-Don't-Cry Attitudes, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Overprotective Sirius Black, Self-Esteem Issues, Werewolf Remus Lupin, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 10:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFilmGraduate/pseuds/ThatFilmGraduate
Summary: James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin all have an opinion on who is the 'reacher' and who is the 'settler' in Remus and Sirius's relationship.Remus/Sirius. *Mentions of Self-Harm and Men-Don't-Cry Attitudes.*





	1. James Potter

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these HP characters or settings, or the television show mentioned in the notes.
> 
> This idea sprung from an episode of How I Met Your Mother (Season5, Episode13: Jenkins). 
> 
> Thanks for reading! And I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. 
> 
> Written: July, 2016  
> Rewritten: October, 2018

James Potter loves his friends. This is a well-established, widely known fact. Peter Pettigrew is one of his closest friends; his jokester mate. Remus Lupin is, without doubt, his best friend; his confidant. And Sirius Black is his brother in all but blood; his twin; his other half; his platonic soulmate. They are his self-made family, brought together through Hogwarts and Gryffindor House, and he will fight anyone who has a bad word against them.

James loves Remus like family; thinks of the werewolf as someone who needs his protection and his support. James loves Sirius like a twin; they basically share one massive brain.

But in the romantic relationship between Sirius and Remus, James can't help but think that Remus is the so-called 'settler' whilst Sirius is the 'reacher'. He loves them both so much, and he would never dream of telling them, but in the recesses of his mind, he thinks that maybe Remus could do better.

Don't get him wrong, James love Sirius. Thinks he's brilliant, in fact. But Sirius has a lot of issues, most of which stem from his family. He has both mammy and daddy issues. (He very secretly, and very deep down, wants his mother to love him and his father to be proud of him, however much he hides it. But James knows, because he is Sirius's soul-brother.)

Sirius also throws the word 'love' around a lot, James has noticed. And James knows this is because his mother, Walburga Black, and his father, Orion Black, have never once told their children that they were loved. Sirius and Regulus have probably never heard their parents say 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you' and this is probably what has made Sirius profess his love for everyone and everything.

It is hard for Sirius to differentiate between what he likes and what he loves, and James knows that this is because of the lack of love and attention he got as a child. He knows this. But still, it worries James that Sirius doesn't actually recognise or feel love sometimes – he just thinks he does.

Sirius's lack of love and affection as a child can also make him incredibly jealous and possessive. That being said, James is quite proud of Sirius for being able to keep his overprotective urges down when it comes to Remus. Despite Sirius's inability to feel real love sometimes, James knows that his soul-brother really does love Remus. And he is proud that Sirius hasn't seriously hurt anyone for Remus's attention yet. But he is still worried about what will happen when Sirius finally loses control of his jealousy.

Sirius Black may seem confident and cheeky, indifferent and careless, but James knows that he has a lot of deeply rooted insecurities. He has a lot of self-doubt, more than James, and a lot of self-hate. Sirius was brought up to hate everyone and everything not pure of blood, and it has taken him a long time to rid himself of those thoughts; but they still pop up in his mind every now and then – even if he doesn't believe in such ridiculous notions. These thoughts can make him incredibly rash and thoughtless at times. He can be loving and kind and generous, but James worries that Sirius's flaws outweigh his strengths.

Remus is different, James thinks. Remus is brilliant as well, no doubt about that. But James knows that he has his fair share of problems, too. His 'furry little problem' causes him anguish and he hates his scars – though, since they started joining the Wolf on Full Moon nights, Remus no longer hides himself from them anymore. That said, his scars make still him feel very inadequate and self-conscious. But even still, James still believes that Remus could do better. James reckons that Remus is settling because the werewolf doesn't think he can find anyone better. But James thinks he can. If he tried, he could.

Remus is too patient and too forgiving for his own good. After the Incident in fifth year, when Sirius sent Snape to the Shack during a Full Moon, Remus forgave Sirius after only two months. This sounds like a while, but James thinks Remus should have stayed angry and disappointed for longer; Merlin knows that James stayed livid until the summer before sixth year, when Sirius showed up on his doorstep – homeless and alone and begging for help from his brother.

Remus is the smartest Marauder, no doubt, matching Lily Evans (the light of James's fairly decent life) academically. But he is also smart outside of school as well; meaning that Remus is a genius but he also has common sense. Remus is sarcastic and dry-witted, and he never fails to make James (or the others) laugh with a quiet joke or a sarcastic quip. And Remus is always there for them, if they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. James has leaned on Remus many times throughout their years at Hogwarts, as has many others.

Despite what Remus believes of himself, he is not a bad looking bloke. Sure, he's not conventionally good looking like Sirius is but he has a way about him that makes him attractive. Even James can admit that, and he's as straight as they come! He can admit that Remus is an attractive bloke from a purely objective, outside perspective.

So, with all this in mind, James believes that Sirius is the 'reacher' and Remus is the 'settler'.

James wants to have trouble answering this question, and he does a bit. Except that he doesn't, not really. And it makes him feel ashamed. Ashamed to be Sirius's brother and to have so little faith in him. Ashamed to feel so worried that Sirius will fuck it up. Truthfully, he doesn't necessarily believe that Sirius will fuck it up – he just thinks that it is a strong possibility and that Remus would get hurt if he did. He doesn't want Remus to get hurt. He doesn't want either of them to get hurt. He doesn't want to worry about that or about their relationship. But he does, and he can't help it.

James doesn't want to hurt his friends – his family. Which is why, if asked who he thought the reacher was and who the settler was, he would answer with: "I don't know," or "I couldn't say," because he doesn't want to hurt Sirius and he doesn't want to argue with Remus.

James loves Sirius, he really does, but he thinks that Remus could do better.

Sirius is a brilliant, wonderful, messy person. He is loyal and kind, but he has a load of issues and he finds it difficult to talk about his family and his internal conflicts. Instead, he shouts or he starts fights; or he causes himself injury. James knows about this – the self-inflicted damage – because he is not an idiot and he is Sirius's best friend. He would be a pretty shitty friend if he didn't know that Sirius sometimes hurts himself out of frustration.

James doesn't want Sirius's problems to become Remus's problems as well. Remus already has enough to deal with without adding Sirius and his extensive issues to the mix. James is worried that Sirius will mess it up because Sirius has never been in such an important relationship before. He is worried that one or both of them will get hurt.

James wants to believe in his friends, but it's hard – knowing them as he does. He can't do anything about it, either. They are both already in love, even if Remus hasn't exactly said it yet. James just has to be there for them in case it goes tits-up, and hope that it doesn't.


	2. Peter Pettigrew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter. 
> 
> Written: July, 2016  
> Rewritten: October, 2018

Peter Pettigrew has many friends but he only has three best friends: Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirius Black. He would give his life for these people, and he believes they would do the same for him. He is especially good friends with Remus, since James and Sirius are always off together somewhere, doing something or other.

Peter would probably consider Remus his closest friend. Remus probably knows the most about him, but he knows an awful lot about Remus in return.

Peter would consider James to be his second closest friend. They talk and joke and plot, and it is fair to say that he is closer with James than he is with Sirius. That's not to say that he isn't great friends with Sirius. He is. It's just that, with the amount of time Sirius spends with other people (namely James and/or Remus), Peter is either with Remus, on his own, with his other friends, or with Sirius and other people. He and Sirius are rarely alone together; and when they are, food or pranking or the Map is often involved.

Peter still counts Sirius as one of his best mates – just, he is a lot closer to Remus.

However, despite his close friendship with Remus, Peter believes that, in Remus and Sirius's relationship, Remus is the 'reacher' and Sirius has settled.

Peter doesn't quite know why Sirius settled, since he could **literally** have anyone he wanted – if he would just open his bloody eyes! But Sirius seems to be oblivious to the attention he gets, too busy staring at Remus or trying to make Remus laugh.

Sirius could have anyone, but he chose Remus.

Not that that is a bad thing, Peter thinks. He just thinks that Sirius could have his pick of people, and he didn't have to settle for Remus.

Peter is quite fond of his werewolf friend. He thinks Remus is great; loyal and smart and quite funny – at least, James and Sirius always seem to find him funny. And Remus is always helping Peter with his homework. Remus is polite to everyone; pleasant to even Snape, who hates his guts! But he is very problematic and introverted and insecure. Remus is only kind to everyone because he fears hate and rejection. It's understandable, of course. He is a werewolf, after all; hated by much of the Wizarding population.

Being a werewolf limits Remus and it makes him worry about everything. Remus worries about school, and about someone finding out and exposing him; he worries about the future and his bleak job prospects; he worries about his friends and their possible (impossible) future rejection of him. Remus is pretty good at hiding his anxiety, but even he can't keep up his stoicism forever.

Once, in sixth year, Peter had caught Remus crying. He had left before Remus could see him, and he never brought it up. After all, crying isn't exactly manly and neither is talking about crying or feelings. Besides, Peter didn't think Remus would appreciate that particular talk; Remus is quite a private person, after all.

The problem Remus has, being a werewolf, is that he faces more hate and prejudice than most; and this restricts him from doing a lot of things. Being a 'Dark Creature' also leaves him with some quite noticeable physical scars.

The others – James and Sirius, and even Lily – say they don't notice the scars but Peter reckons they're bullshitting because it's kind of impossible to miss the three long jagged scars on Remus's right arm that stretch from his elbow to his knuckles. It's definitely impossible to miss the faint scar on Remus's face that stretches from his left eyebrow to his upper lip.

Being a werewolf also makes Remus freakishly aware of things; of sounds and smells and emotions. His condition seems to heighten his senses, and, if he's truly honest, it freaks Peter out sometimes. But it's useful sometimes; when pranking, for example – to know if someone is nearby. So Peter tries his best to not be freaked out by his best friend's abilities.

So, with all of Remus's insecurities and anxieties and problems, Peter believes that he is the 'reacher' whilst Sirius is the 'settler'.

Although Peter spends little time alone with Sirius, he knows how brilliant Black is. He is confident and cocky and everyone either loves or hates him – and he couldn't care less if someone didn't like him! Sirius is also, contrary to popular opinion, quite a genius. Not quite Remus's level of genius but he is pretty damn close in some aspects.

Peter has noticed – and he would deny it, if you confronted him about it – but he has noticed that Sirius has the advantage of good genes and that he is quite an attractive man. His high aristocratic cheekbones and striking grey eyes always seem to be the first thing Peter notices. His dark, silky hair is second. It always looks suspiciously good. Not that Remus isn't an alright looking bloke, Peter supposes. He's just not on par with Sirius.

Peter isn't blind. He knows that Sirius has his own problems. But they're not too bad. They're fixable, even; with a bit of help. But being a werewolf isn't so easily cured.

Peter doesn't want to be mean. It's just the way he feels. Of course, he wouldn't dare voice his opinions on the matter – for numerous reasons; the main ones being that Remus would undoubtedly agree and that would make Sirius mad, and Peter **really** doesn't want to be on the wrong side of Sirius Black! Sirius's temper is unrestrained, worthy of his name, and he is weirdly protective of Remus. Well, not _weirdly_ , Peter supposes; they **are** shagging, after all. But still... Peter has got enough shit to deal with as it is without adding a vengeful Sirius Black to everything.

So, if Peter was asked who he thought the reacher was and who the settler was in Remus and Sirius's relationship, he would most likely hesitate to answer. But he would eventually answer with, "I couldn't tell you." Because even he knows that you don't tell your friends that one of them is better than the other.

Honestly, Peter reckons that if Remus and Sirius asked him and heard his answer, Remus would agree and they would then change the subject. Sirius, however, would disagree emphatically – because he is enamoured with Remus, for some reason – and loudly, even if he did secretly agree.

But Peter isn't going to say anything, and Remus and Sirius are never going to find out his true feelings on the matter, because they are men, and men don't discuss feelings, even if he does believe Remus is reaching and Sirius is settling.


	3. Lily Evans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter. 
> 
> Written: July, 2016  
> Rewritten: October, 2018

Lily Evans is a popular student. She has many friends, in many different Houses, who she loves very much. Now, she loves the Marauders as well. But she has always had a soft spot for Remus Lupin in particular.

Having met on the Hogwarts Express, young and scared, Remus was her second ever magical friend – after Severus Snape, who she has known throughout childhood and who didn't seem nearly as scared as she and Remus were on that first day. Remus is one of her closest friends, now; perhaps even her best friend. And now, his friends are her friends too.

The Marauders haven't always been her friends. In fact, for the longest time, they were the bane of her existence – Remus excluded. Before, Sirius Black and James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were all annoyances for her; obnoxious and cruel, and they were bullies, and she just could **not** stand them. To her, they were just people who Remus hung around with and who she reprimanded and avoided as best she could.

But then fifth year came, and everything changed. Remus and Sirius had a massive row. Sirius began moping around, starting fights and hiding in his dorm. Remus began studying harder, ignoring Sirius and not talking to anyone. James and Peter were tense and angry, and all pranks came to a halting stop. Hogwarts was off-balance for months and Severus was quietly furious. Then it happened. Severus called her a horrid slur, and she lost her childhood friend.

Then everything changed again, but for the better. Remus forgave Sirius, then James and Peter forgave Sirius, and Hogwarts slowly regained its energy. And they all grew up, somewhat. And now, now Lily is friends with them. All of them, even if she does find Sirius vexing now and again. (Remus says that she finds Sirius so vexing because they are so similar: both strong-willed and opinionated and stubborn. Naturally Lily disagrees.)

She can tolerate Sirius now. She never used to be able to, but she has seen a lot more of him in recent months – since she began dating James, and since Sirius and Remus had begun courting.

Over the last few months, Lily has gotten to know Sirius better. And the more she has gotten to know him, the more she has grown accustomed to his eccentric, devil-may-care personality. Eventually, she saw past his recklessness and arrogance, and she saw the vulnerable and caring boy/man underneath.

However, with that said, she has to admit that she will probably always love Remus more. Which is why, if asked, she would be angered by such a thoughtless question before she backed Remus up; by saying that Remus was the 'settler' whilst Sirius was the 'reacher' in their relationship.

Truthfully, though, she would probably only back Remus up out of loyalty more than because she actually believes this.

Lily thinks Remus is an amazing person. Actually, she believes he is an extraordinary person. He is strong and stoic and she remembers how brave he is every month when the Full Moon arrives and he has to go through yet another transformation. And he never complains about it either, which only further proves how strong he really is.

He is patient and tolerant – more so than Lily, which is saying something – and he has always been kind to her. He has even tried being civil with Severus. After she lost Severus, Remus was there for her. Not to bad-mouth him or anything. He was just there for her, comforting her, supporting her, offering her a shoulder to cry on. She is very grateful for his selflessness.

Remus is also incredibly smart; so smart, in fact, that had the Sorting Hat not seen his bravery, he probably would have been put into Ravenclaw House. But he is brave and chivalrous, and she understands exactly why the Hat put him into Gryffindor House.

Lily is not stupid. She knows Remus. She knows that her best friends has his problems.

She knows that his Lycanthropy causes him great distress. She knows that he constantly worries, that someone will find out and expose him or that his friends will give up on him and abandon him – which they would never, she knows. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to. Lily knows. She knows that Remus is fragile and that he holds himself together by keeping his walls up and by closing himself off to the world. But he is not impenetrable and unmoved, as Black has shown.

Lily knows that Remus never stops thinking; that his brain is constantly working. She knows that this problem is something that correlates with his rather large intelligence. She knows this problem intimately, as it often takes her a long while to stop thinking. But Remus doesn't stop. He can't seem to switch off. The cogs are always turning in his mind. But Lily has noticed that when Remus is with Sirius, he slows down. Even if it is just a little bit. With Sirius, Remus seems to relax and stop worrying.

Another problem Remus has, Lily has noticed, is that he finds it difficult to express his emotions. Or, more specifically, he finds it difficult to say the word 'love'. She hadn't really noticed it before, not until recently when Sirius said he loved Remus, and Remus replied with, "I know. Me too." And Sirius had actually seemed satisfied with that answer! Lily knows Remus loves Sirius. It is blatantly obvious, with his staring and his secret smile reserved only for Sirius. And she knows he loves his friends, but he just can't seem to say the words, 'I love you.'

Lily doesn't know why he can't say those words but she thinks that maybe it has something to do with his childhood, with how he had grown up fairly isolated and how he had been taught not to get close to anyone because of his condition. But that is mere speculation. She thinks that maybe he is scared to say those words because they mean too much. Or maybe they mean too little. It doesn't matter, though. Because, lucky for him, the people closest to him know that he loves them. He doesn't need to say the words for them to know.

Sirius, on the other hand, says he loves everyone and everything. Lily finds it in equal parts annoying and endearing. He obviously doesn't love everything but she thinks it's sweet of him to feel passionate about certain things.

While Sirius is cocky and arrogant and self-involved, he can also be very sweet and thoughtful. Lily has witnessed this side of him first-hand. She has seen the way Sirius is with his friends, and she has seen the way he is with Remus in particular. It is different to how he is with James. It is less forceful. He is gentle with Remus, and that is something she has not overlooked.

But Sirius has a lot of flaws. He gets into fights, and he swears a lot, and he never seems to know how to be subtle about something – unless it concerns Remus, that is. (Remus is a naturally private person and Sirius seems to respect this.) Sirius is also uninhibited and egotistical because he is very talented at many things. Sirius knows he is attractive, even if he doesn't pay any mind to it, and he knows he is smart but he often tries to hide this fact. He only mentions his abundant intellect when he is bragging about something.

Sirius and James are very similar, Lily realises. However, James seems to have matured a lot more than Sirius has. Sirius still acts like a child sometimes and Lily doesn't really know how Remus fell for him. Sometimes she thinks that maybe it was Sirius's confidence that drew Remus in, or maybe it was his looks, but then she remembers that they are friends and that there is probably a side to Sirius that she has never seen before; a fragile side that goes with the gentle part of him. Maybe only Remus gets to see that side. It certainly seems as such.

Lily loves Sirius in her own way, but she loves Remus more. He is her very best friend. He has always been there for her and he even helped her to see a side of James that she hadn't seen before.

If Lily were asked who she thought to be the 'reacher' and who she thought to be the 'settler' within Remus and Sirius's relationship, she wouldn't know what to reply. She knows that Remus has his fair share of issues, but so does Sirius. She wants to say Remus has settled, because she is loyal, but she can't. Because she doesn't believe it.

Truth of the matter is, Lily believes that they settled for each other.

She wonders if Remus settled because of his condition; because he doesn't think he can do any better. But then she thinks of Sirius – charismatic, charming, classically handsome Sirius Black – and she thinks of how he could be considered the 'settler'. But Remus is beautiful, in her fine opinion, and she can't help but think that neither of them settled.

If asked who she thought was the settler and who she thought was the reacher, she would probably reply that they had both settled for each other. Or maybe, she thinks, maybe they reached for each other...


	4. Sirius Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter. 
> 
> Written: July, 2016  
> Rewritten: October, 2018

Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin. He really, honestly, truly does. He knows he says it to everyone, but Remus is different. With Remus, he means it. With Remus, it is **real**. In fact, it is so real with Remus that he can feel it in his toes and elbows; he can feel it in his veins, butterflies fluttering indulgently in his blood whenever Remus so much as smiles at him.

He means it with Remus, and so he doesn't mind that Remus hasn't said it back because he knows that Remus feels the same way. Well... actually, he does mind a bit but he knows that it is hard for Remus to say, "I love you," or some other variant of that phrase. So he accepts Remus's actions for what they are and understands what they really mean. Remus may be a wordy person but when it comes to love and other strong emotions, he finds it easier to express himself through actions and gestures instead. And Sirius accepts this.

When Sirius had first told Remus that he loved him, the werewolf had laughed it off. The fourth time he said it, Remus had replied with, "I know," and Sirius thought that maybe Remus really did know. By the ninth time, Remus finally replied with, "Me too." And that... that was all it took for Sirius to know that Remus loves him too. It was the way that Remus said it that had Sirius convinced. There was a sort of truthful determination behind it, a conviction that Sirius will never forget. And when Remus finally does say _I love you_ , Sirius will never forget that moment either. Because it's Remus, and he never forgets Remus.

If someone asked Sirius who he believed the 'reacher' and the 'settler' to be in their relationship, Sirius would reply, without a trace of doubt, that he is definitely the 'reacher'. Remus would disagree and would probably come up with a long list of reasons as to why Sirius was wrong, but Sirius knows that he is right and that Remus has settled for him.

He thinks himself rather lucky that Remus settled for him, truth be told. He couldn't have found anyone more magnificent or perfectly damaged than his best friend. Remus is... Well, Remus can't really be described in words. He is so many things. He is intelligent, and hilarious, and beautiful, and vulnerable, and kind, and forgiving, and gentle, and just plain **magnificent**.

Sirius knows what this makes him sound like. He sounds like a soppy, love-sick girl. But he doesn't care. He is in love and happy, and so he doesn't care if he sounds sappy or whipped because it's **Remus**. Remus is worth being sappy over. He has told Remus much of this before – not all of it, mind you; he doesn't want to be the vulnerable, overly-emotional one – and Remus always blushes and turns away, muttering something along the lines of, "Shut up."

Remus doesn't believe him, but Sirius is stubborn and determined, and he will keep telling Remus how he feels until Remus believes him.

To Sirius, Remus is beautiful. He has the softest hair; Sirius loves ruffling it when they're together in public, or running his fingers through it when they're alone and lying in bed together. He likes the length of it; short but shaggy, falling into his eyes. Remus's eyes are another thing Sirius loves. They are this weird shade of hazel-amber. It's a good weird. The expressive amber flecks are one of the few nice side-effects of his Lycanthropy.

Sirius is especially fond of Remus's shoulders; broad and sturdy, the perfect resting place for his legs. And Remus's scars honestly don't bother him. In fact, he rather likes them. They are a reminder of the wolf inside, but they are also a tribute to how strong Remus is, and Sirius loves them as much as he loves Remus. Perhaps most of all, Sirius loves Remus's smile. Remus has many different smiles, but they are all breath-taking. Sirius would do just about anything to see Remus's slightly crooked smile.

Remus's bookish, non-threatening looks are so against the true Marauder within that no one ever suspects Remus is an integral part of their pranks. Very few get to see the mischievous side of Remus and Sirius loves that he is allowed to. Sirius loves the prankster in Remus. The way Remus's eyes light up often takes Sirius's breath away and the way Remus laughs when a prank goes right is beautiful.

It annoys Sirius that Remus can't see how perfect he is. Well... Okay, he isn't perfect, Sirius knows this. But to him, the flaws and imperfections just add to the beauty that is Remus Lupin. And Sirius will keep telling Remus how perfect he is until Remus sees it too.

Sirius knows that he is lucky to have Remus; to have someone so patient and understanding; to have someone willing to put up with him. Sirius knows that he is reckless and impulsive, and he knows that he can be mean but he is so glad that Remus has stuck with him. Because Sirius knows that he is broken. He knows that he is damaged goods. He may look like a heavenly beauty on the outside, but he is a chaotic mess on the inside. His family have messed him up beyond repair, but Remus is still there, with him, trying to help him.

He doesn't want Remus to see how truly broken he is, but Remus seems to know anyway. Sirius is good with words. He always has been. He knows how to charm and seduce and make people laugh, and he knows how to hurt people with only a few words. But when it comes to talking about his issues, he finds it difficult. It is a problem that both he and Remus share, but Remus has a different way of dealing with it.

While Sirius lashes out and hurts himself, Remus buries his frustrations and lets everything go once a month. Neither way is really the best way to deal with things but it works for them for now until they find better, healthier coping mechanisms. And, besides, they have each other to calm one another down: Padfoot stops the wolf from hurting himself too bad on Full Moon nights, and Remus stops Sirius from going too far in a fight or when Sirius is causing himself injury.

Sirius isn't a cutter. He realises that it sounds like he is, but he really isn't. No, Sirius opts for a less obvious form of self-harm. He opts for hitting himself or punching walls and/or solid surfaces. It is a better way, Sirius thinks, for dealing with his frustration. Cutting is too... flashy. Sirius likes attention, but not that kind of attention. He does not hurt himself as a way of asking for help; he does it to help himself and to stop others close to him from getting hurt. It doesn't really leave any obvious injuries – mainly just bruises and scratches. No one asks questions. No one knows.

Well... that isn't strictly true, Sirius amends. Remus knows. He knows what they are and where they come from. When Remus catches him, he manages to stop him. Sirius is grateful for Remus because the werewolf stops him from going too far, from causing long-lasting damage. He knows that his actions disappoint Remus but he can't help himself. He just gets so angry and he can't think straight; he can't think of another way to release his stress and negative emotions.

The way Sirius sees it is: it's better to hurt yourself than to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. It has been his motto ever since fifth year and the Incident with Snape. He nearly destroyed his friendship with Remus then, and he never wants to do anything like that again.

Remus deserves better, Sirius knows. James thinks it too, even if he doesn't voice this opinion. He thinks Sirius doesn't know how he feels but Sirius is his brother. He knows how Potter thinks, how he feels. James feels guilty about feeling that way, but Sirius understands it. He and James have always been protective over Remus. James thinks Remus could do better and Sirius agrees.

Sirius wants to be enough for Remus. He doesn't want to fuck this up, but he is so worried he will. Both he and James think he will. Sirius doesn't blame James, he really doesn't. But he isn't going to lie. Having his brother doubt him hurts.

He wants to – no, he needs to prove to James, to himself, to **everyone** , that he won't fuck it up. It is scary and new and perhaps it is the most important thing Sirius has ever done, but he is determined to get it right; to be good; to keep Remus because he cannot lose Remus.

He is going to be better. He is going to be worthy of Remus, one day. He's already starting; he hasn't had an anger outburst in well over two months now, and the pride in Remus's eyes is enough to spur him on to keep doing so well.

In his relationship with Remus, he knows that he is the reacher. If Sirius was asked, he wouldn't even hesitate. He knows Remus settled for him, even if Remus doesn't realise it himself. Sirius is reaching for the moon and one day, he will make it. And yes, he does realise how fucking cliché and stupid and cheesy it sounds but he doesn't care. (Secretly, he thinks it's quite a clever analogy – since Remus is a werewolf, and Sirius has always admired the glowing rock in the sky.)

Sirius is trying. He is trying to be worthy of Remus's attention and love. He is trying to be more thoughtful and aware of others. He is trying to be less self-centred. He is trying to be nice to people. He's trying, and he hopes that is enough for Remus and James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please don't hit walls or cause any other type of self-harm to yourself. It isn't worth it and, in the end, nothing changes. If you're feeling shitty, you should talk to someone. It's just easier. Trust me. Or, you could bury yourself in something you like, to distract you from the loneliness. Music works for some people. Art for others. It really does depend on you. But I can promise you this: it passes, eventually. 
> 
> I didn't want to encourage such harmful coping techniques, so I thought I would mention it here. Again: Don't Do The Self-Harming Thing! If you want help, get help. People can't help you if they don't know how you're feeling.


	5. Remus Lupin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter. 
> 
> Written: July, 2016  
> Rewritten: October, 2018

Remus Lupin does love Sirius Black. He knows he hasn't exactly said it, but it's true. He loves Sirius so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe. His heart aches whenever Sirius is not around and his fingers tingle pleasantly whenever Sirius holds his hand (in private, because Remus is not a fan of Public Displays of Affection). He loves Sirius with every bone in his body, but he just can't **say** it.

Honestly, he doesn't know why he has such a problem with the word 'love'. He thinks that maybe it is because it is just that: a word. Four meagre letters that don't really mean anything. The word is just too small, too weak, too inadequate, to encompass all that he feels for Sirius. Four little letters is just not enough because he more-than-loves Sirius, and he doesn't know how to express that because society has yet come up with a word stronger than love.

People throw the word around too much nowadays, he thinks. So, he should be able to say it. But he can't because it doesn't mean anything anymore. It holds no meaning for him, and he doesn't want to taint Sirius with empty words. But just because he hasn't said it before, it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel it; that it's not true. He loves Sirius more than words, and he knows Sirius knows it, but he still feels guilty for not having said it yet.

For some reason, when Sirius says "I love you," to him, Remus believes it. Sirius says the word a lot. Too much, in Remus's opinion. But he honestly believes Sirius means it when he says it to him. It's not so much the words as it is the sincerity and adoration in Sirius's voice when he says it. And the fact that Sirius never expects him to say it back is... Well, Remus is grateful.

Remus believes, with every fibre of his being, that he is the 'reacher' in their relationship. He is not quite sure why Sirius settled for him of all people, though. Remus isn't being cynical or pessimistic or self-depreciating when he says this. He is being realistic. He knows that he is not of the same calibre as Sirius. He's not as attractive as Sirius, or as confident as Sirius. And he thinks that Sirius probably agrees with him, deep down.

Sirius truly is a beautiful specimen.

His smile lights up the room, to abuse clichés. It really does. Remus often feels happier when Sirius is smiling or laughing. Even if he's been in a rotten mood all day, Sirius can change it with a few words or a simple touch.

Sirius's eyes have always mesmerised Remus, ever since Sirius glared at him over the Gryffindor table during Sorting Feast. They are a shade of grey that is always changing, depending on what mood he is in. When he's angry, they become stormy; when he's content, they are cloudy; and when he's aroused or excited, they turn silver. It is truly an amazing thing to witness, especially the latter.

And his hair, silky and thick and a perfect length. Remus loves to tangle his fingers in Sirius's hair, to grip and feel the dark tendrils slipping through his fingers whenever they are together, snogging or shagging or just lying together. Most of all, Remus loves Sirius's hands; delicate but strong, with long musician fingers and calloused palms from Quidditch.

Remus just can't seem to get over the differences in their looks. Sirius has a few scars, from the Wolf on Full Moon nights and from his childhood at Grimmauld Place, but Remus is covered in them. They have lessened in since his friends became Animagi and began joining him; but still, he still has the ones from his ten or so years in between getting bitten and having company.

He doesn't like undressing in front of Sirius. He's fine with it when it comes to Full Moons or showers but when he is with Sirius in other ways, he tends to get a bit self-conscious; more self-conscious, that is. He's never particularly liked his scars but at least he could handle them before. The one that runs from his left eyebrow to his upper lip, although faded, still reminds him of what he is. Like he could forget.

Remus has said it before and he'll say it again: Sirius Black is an awe-inspiring person. He is stunning, sometimes unbelievably so, but he is so much more than his looks. He is confident and smart and charming and talented. He is also charismatic and strong-willed and loyal to a fault. Sirius adores him, this much Remus knows. He isn't exactly subtle about it. He's always calling Remus 'beautiful' or 'magnificent' and Remus always finds him terribly endearing. He knows it's not true, but it is for Sirius and so he accepts the words with a blush and a, "Shut up."

Remus is not an ignoramus. He knows that Sirius is problematic. He knows that Sirius has trouble controlling his emotions and containing his anger. He knows of Sirius's internal conflicts; when his childhood lessons of hate conflict with his current opinions of love. Remus is trying to help him, but he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know if he is doing more harm than good; doesn't know if he is helping or if he is making matters worse. The one consolation is knowing that Sirius is strong enough to deal with his own problems, even if it does mean slight mutilation every now and then – though Sirius hasn't hurt himself in two months, three weeks and five days now; and Remus is extremely proud of him.

Remus is not happy when Sirius hurts himself, but he doesn't know how to stop him. What do you do when someone you love is repeatedly punching a wall until their hand is bruised and bleeding and their knuckles are scraped and raw? Sirius is usually brilliant with words but he doesn't know how to speak about his issues. He just can't seem to tell Remus all of the things that are going on in his head.

Remus understands this. It is a problem they share – their inability to tell anyone about their problems and how they are feeling when they are frustrated and angry. Remus doesn't want to bother Sirius – or anyone, really – with his petty worries. And he suspects Sirius just can't find the right words, so he punches and he shouts and he does accidental uncontrollable magic.

Remus prefers his way of dealing with problems: he bottles them up until it's time to let everything go. He has been doing this since he was five years old and bitten by Fenrir Greyback. Obviously he can't be unmoved all of the time. There has been a couple of times where he just couldn't keep it all in, but he made sure that he was alone before he broke down. He can't allow other people to see him break, to see him vulnerable; especially not when he is supposed to be the rock for his family and friends.

Sirius deserves better, Remus knows this. Sirius deserves the world, but Remus can't even hold his hand in public without feeling anxious and fidgety. Sirius deserves everything. He deserves more than a poor, scarred, emotionally stunted werewolf. Sirius deserves someone who can kiss him in public, or at the very least someone who can say 'I love you' without feeling like a pathetic, inadequate fool...

Remus knows that his problems with 'love' are stupid and weird. Really, these issues are uncalled for. He was a loved child, with a mother and a father who encouraged and supported him, but he just can't say it and it is frustrating because all he wants to do is let Sirius know that he feels the same way. He knows he feels it, so why can't he say it?!

He wants to be able to tell Sirius that he loves him. He really does. Because he really does feel that way. He can't imagine his life without Sirius, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't know why Sirius settled for him when the ex-Black could have anyone he wanted but he is grateful every day that he wakes up with Sirius next to him, drooling on his pillow and talking in his sleep.

Remus knows that everyone agrees with him. He knows that everyone believes that Sirius deserves better. They just don't want to say it for fear of hurting him or because Sirius would get angry. Sirius is oblivious to the truth, but Remus knows.

If asked who he believed to be the reacher and the settler in his and Sirius's relationship, Remus wouldn't even skip a beat before answering that he is undoubtedly the reacher and that Sirius has settled for him. He has reached for the stars, and he thinks himself lucky to have caught one.

Remus wants to be enough for Sirius. He wants to deserve Sirius and to be able to tell Sirius that he loves him. Better yet, he wants to create a word that is stronger than love. He wants to create a word that expresses exactly how he feels. He wants to invent a word that expresses just how much he needs Sirius in his life. Because he does. Need Sirius, that is. So he will keep showing Sirius how much he loves him, because if he can't say it in words, he can bloody well make sure he says it through his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
